changes

An e-mail we've sent to our family and friends:

After over five years of (mostly) happy marriage, we have decided that, although we still love each other, we should not remain married. Irreconcilable differences would probably be the best description of what's going on, but it's a bit more complicated than that. Some of you might know that we've had some difficulties early this year, so we started marriage counseling. After a few months, we thought we had worked through the worst of it, but it later turned out that things were not how we perceived them to be. Still, we had developed the tools to communicate what we needed out of ourselves and our partner, and thus came to the realization that we could not meet those needs for each other.

We've gone through a lot of major changes and growth through the years (ironically, this could not have occurred without the other's encouragement and support). While we don't think these changes were the root cause of our problems, the tensions they created brought our underlying issues to the surface, issues that we were avoiding precisely because we feared their implications. But we cannot ignore them any longer, and as we've feared, they are not resolvable, as they involve things like children and personal values.

We still love each other very much, but sometimes love just isn't enough. So please, when trying to comfort one of us, do not try to do so by tearing down the other. This won't make us feel any better, and will merely cause us to think less of you for failing to respect someone that we love and respect. We're parting amicably and plan to remain close friends, so you may even see us around together sometime.

So we are separating for now and will likely be filing for divorce in the next several months. Erika will be moving out on Friday to her own place in Oakland to be closer to her new job, and will be keeping her same cell phone number. Maybe the time apart will change the situation, maybe not. Regardless, we both wish the other well and are sure they will be tremendous forces for positive change in this world. Thank you all for the love and support you've given us throughout the years.